#but i really needed to get it out of my system

[navybrat817]

Late Night Recap

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary: Bucky tells Steve and Sam about his encounter with you.

Word Count: Over 1.5k

Warnings: Mention of drunk reader, humor, attraction, Sam and Steve are good friends, a bit of grumpy!Bucky Barnes (he's a warning, okay? And he has a crush).

A/N: Based on an anon ask and a continuation of Late Night Shenanigans. ❤️ Not beta read and written on my phone, so any and all mistakes are my own. Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

Steve and Sam sat across from Bucky on the couch, blankly staring at him once he finished his story. He stared back with a scowl and was pretty sure Alpine was scowling at them, too, daring them to tell him that he was making the whole thing up about what happened earlier. That he didn’t encounter a beautiful drunk stranger snuggling with his cat. That you didn’t seem at all intimidated by his presence. That he couldn’t get your smile or voice out of his head.

Wait, he didn’t tell them that last part and he sure as hell wasn’t going to.

Steve cleared his throat after exchanging a look with Sam. “So, to recap, you were looking for Alpine and she was just… snuggled with a complete stranger?” He waited for a beat. “In the middle of a sidewalk at night?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what she did,” Bucky said through his teeth. His friend was old, but not hard of hearing. 

“A sweet stranger who said you were the hottest man she had ever seen in her life?” Sam smirked. Yes, that was what you said and Bucky hadn’t forgotten it. Nor would he admit to his friends how nice the compliment made him feel the more he repeated your words in his mind. “And she snuggled with Alpine? Pictures, or it didn’t happen.”

Bucky made a face. Why would he make something like that, or you, up? Did he really not believe him?  “Why the hell would I take a photo of her? That’s something a creep would do, and I’m not a creep,” he snapped, thinking about it while Sam chuckled. Grumpy with his share of issues, yes, but he was not a creep. “But there were security cameras outside of her building. Hacking the system wouldn’t be too difficult if you really wanted to see what happened.”

Was that creepy? It wasn’t like he was trying to get feed to watch you or to see your beautiful face again. It was to prove to Sam that he wasn’t lying about what happened, nothing more. Not that he had anything to prove. He was telling the truth. It wasn’t his fault if Sam didn’t believe him.

“You’re not going to hack anything,” Steve said, trying to be the voice of reason. It wouldn’t be the worst crime committed if he did. “I think Sam meant the picture thing as a joke.”

“No, I didn’t,” Sam said. 

Steve held a hand up when Bucky’s fists curled. “What he means is we’re surprised because, besides you, Alpine doesn’t usually cuddle with people right away. She likes us, but it took her time to do that.”

“Yeah, well, she’s obviously different,” the brunette mumbled, scratching behind Alpine’s ears. “Alpine really liked her.”

Alpine purred in agreement, bringing a small smile out of the former assassin. Though part of him still wondered if you put some sort of spell over his cat to get her to warm up so quickly, he knew that wasn’t it. She was a good judge of character, so she had to take a liking to you since you were a friendly person. It was either that or she decided that you needed her to look out for you. And by extension that meant he had to look out for you, too. Someone had to.

Fuck, now he did feel like a creep with that train of thought.

“Listen, I’m not saying this… dream girl or whatever you want to call her doesn’t exist, but I do have to ask.” Sam had a shit-eating grin on his face. “Did she really boop you on the nose?”

If Bucky clenched his jaw any tighter he would’ve cracked his teeth. “She did. Twice.” 

Steve looked like he was trying not to laugh and Sam didn’t bother hiding it. Why did he trust these punks with anything? “Okay…” Sam held his side as his laughter died down. “I have to meet her so I can ask where she got the balls to do that and say ‘you’re welcome’ for accidentally letting Alpine out so you two could meet.”

“You’re not going to meet her or ask her anything,” Bucky said, looking up at the ceiling. “Because I probably won’t see her again.”

It didn’t make sense why his heart ached so much at the thought of not crossing your path again. He didn’t know you, and you didn’t know him. Fairy tales and meet cutes or whatever they were called didn’t exist in his world, not for people like him.

“Well, with that attitude…” Sam mumbled, which Bucky pointedly ignored. It wasn’t like he was trying to be pessimistic, but getting his hopes up wouldn’t help either. “If I didn’t know any better, it sounds like Alpine isn’t the only one who liked her.”

Steve tried to catch his eye. “Do you like her, Buck?”

Bucky bit the inside of his cheek. Of course, his friends would latch on that he was possibly interested in someone. He hadn’t dated anyone since Leah, and his relationship with her hadn’t lasted long. Was the universe giving him a chance by putting you in his path, or was he reading too deeply into it? It had to be the latter. 

Sam sighed when Bucky didn’t respond. “Can you message her? Tell her Alpine’s trying to get out to see her?”

Bucky almost laughed because he could see the feline trying to sneak out to find you. “I didn’t get her number.”

“Wait, you didn’t ask for her number or give her yours?” Steve asked.

Bucky finally lifted his head and fought the urge to say that he wasn’t the suave guy he used to be. “She was drunk, Steve. I didn’t ask since there’s a good chance that she might not even remember me,” he answered, which somehow felt worse than the thought of not seeing you again. Call him crazy or selfish, but he wanted you to remember him. It was only fair since you were affecting him so much.

“Well, you know where her apartment building is,” the blonde smiled. “That’s a start.”

“But not her apartment number,” he sighed. 

You were alert enough not to give away that piece of information, which he appreciated. Though you joked that it was how “true crimes” began, did you have any idea how many laws he had broken over the years? No, how could you? If you knew, there was a chance you wouldn’t run straight inside.

Regardless of what he had or hadn’t done over the years, it didn’t change that he didn’t get your phone number or your apartment number before you parted ways.

Alpine batted her paw against his chest and meowed, sensing the subtle shift in his mood. “What would you suggest, Al? That I just walk you up and down her sidewalk with you until she comes out?”

Silence filled the living room. Was he really asking his cat for advice on how to see you again? Jesus fucking Christ, he needed help and he was already seeing a therapist.

Steve shrugged after a minute went by. “...It’s not a bad idea.”

Sam snorted. He was enjoying this way too much. “Or you could just start by finding her on social media like a normal person since she at least gave you her name.”

Bucky sat up, his cheek twitching. You had given him your name. “But wouldn’t that be weird to add her as a friend?” he asked.

Because, again, there was a chance you wouldn’t remember who he was. It would give him a chance to see photos of you if you shared them. Maybe get a feel for some of your likes and dislikes. Where you hung out. If your relationship status said “single” like he hoped.

…Was he venturing into creepy territory again?

Sam’s smile fell. “It’s weird to add her on social media, but it’s not weird to walk up and down her sidewalk like a wolf stalking its prey or talk about hacking the cameras of her building?”

“And that’s the end of this conversation,” Bucky said, shooting both of them a glare to drop it.

“You’ll see her again,” Steve smiled, quickly adding, “Now that’s the end of the conversation.”

Bucky wasn’t an idiot. It would not be the end of that conversation, not now that Steve and Sam knew he was interested in someone. He should’ve kept his mouth shut and said that he found Alpine all by her lonesome, but he didn’t want to keep you a secret. 

He wondered how you were doing. Did you have your water and aspirin like he suggested? Would you feel okay in the morning? Did you hope to see him again? He just had to find a way to see you, if only so you could see “Queen Alpine” while you were sober.

And if he couldn’t figure out a way himself, he had a feeling Alpine would take matters into her own paws.

I swear, he will see his girl again. Because, yes, you are his girl. Love and thanks for reading! ❤️

Masterlist ⚓ Bucky Barnes Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being the youngest Avenger and joining the Thunderbolts*

Thunderbolts x reader

warnings: spoilers!!! blood and guns and death n such u know the drill

a/n: i gave y/n unspecified powers until about halfway through so i just based the powers on an oc i am weak

prompt:

you’d always been the odd one out in the avengers, being the “young one” was not easy

like, you were teens during the battle of new york

sure, you were respected as a valiant hero, one of earths mightiest, but there was struggle in not having many peers to lean on

when you had wanda around, things were a little different—but that didn’t last long at all

then the blip happened, you survived, your world crumbled, and you got everyone back—but nothing was ever the same and it took its toll on you

the avengers disbanded, everyone left went their separate ways and you realized that the avengers, your family, were all you’d ever known

so you found your footing elsewhere, tried to stay in touch with those who you found comfort in. people you could count on

this included sam, clint, and bruce. rest were either preoccupied, plotting less than ethical things, or you just weren’t close with to begin with

“yeah, this kid—kate—she reminds me of you. she’s a bit more clumsy, awkward, and desperate, but it made me think of you…having another young person aspiring to save the world and all. or at least new york” -clint over the phone

“it’s nice to hear, thanks for checking in. hopefully she doesn’t accidentally destroy any buildings like i did” -you

“well, about that—” -clint

you always really enjoyed when they called you first, but no one was calling for your calling

you didn’t know how to not be a hero, it was really fucking frustrating

you were only made an avenger that early on because you had powers, and you were already a public hero. it’s not like you could get a job at a coffee shop, as entertaining as that would be

that’s when bucky called you one day, and you didn’t get close with bucky until steve died. yeah, you helped him out of a bind in germany, but that was about as far as it went. you were just acquainted because of sam

but bucky knew how it felt to be alone, lost, misguided, all that

and he just decided to run for congress

“y/n, i’d like you to be my advisor. there’s no one i could trust more—that would agree to this, that is” -bucky

“are you serious?” -you

“about running for congress or the advisor thing?” -bucky

“both i guess?” -you

“yeah, i’m serious” -bucky “i heard from a mutual friend you were still trying to find your place after…you know, everything. i am, too. so i’m asking you as a friend if you will join me on this path. it could be good for both of us”

and that it was, bucky won the election and you were now being paid decend money to be bucky’s #2. it felt right

you’d briefly been a government employee as an avenger, but now you were a lot more autonomous in a sense

yes, you had a lot of red tape, but it beat that sense of impending doom you had living with the avengers

you and bucky fought to keep new york safe in a different way. fought for the little guy. tried to clean up the system a bit

that included getting valentina allegra de fontaine impeached from her job as the head of the CIA

if there’s anything bucky and you knew about intelligence agencies, they needed to be as clean as possible. or else you’d have disasters like hydra infiltrating shield and secret human experimentation and super soldiers and child assassins. all that good stuff

you backed it, regardless of what little sway you guys had

you gave him a death glare as he was interviewed about valentina’s impeachment and all he could do was say “worrying” 10 times in a row

“we need to work on your public speaking” -you, immediately following his embarrassing comments

“yeah, i know” -bucky

you and bucky lived nearby each other, you relocated to brooklyn following the new job

so when necessary, you’d lean on each other

let me be clear that this is strictly friendship. lightly professional. the teo of you have seen dark days in your own respective ways. you were both turned into weapons without any say. had a hard time controlling it for a long time. made some terrible mistakes. tried your hardest to move up in the world. carry demons with you. misery loves company.

and right now, being new to the office, not a lot of other government officials were fond of you two. there was a lot of distrust.

first, we have the hydra super soldier who’s ledger is running with blood. his slate was wiped clean, but that doesn’t mean the people see him differently. it was a miracle he was voted into office to begin with

then there’s you, the late-20s, early 30s former avenger who was never quite taken seriously due to your youth in the public eye. you were viewed as dangerous due to your powers, as well, and some people feared you two would use your abilities to influence and intimidate

so you advised taking a very gentle approach to congressman barnes, that way no one felt threatened

that was until you and bucky went rogue to bring in valentina’s covert ops team as a last ditch effort to get her impeached

bucky bombing several CIA vehicles? not very gentle

but fun and refreshing? check!

“it’s been a while since i’ve been able to stretch my legs—the suit’s a little tight, though” -you

“you’re still rocking it” -yelena

“aw, thanks! we’re not letting you go” -you

then the rogue assassins and you guys get into it about a guy named “bob” and then bucky gets a call about “bob” its a whole mess. whatever

“okay, looks like we’re letting you go” -you

“hey, i meant it, your suit still looks good! im not even tied up anymore and i’m still saying it!” -yelena

“she’s right, you look awesome” -ava

“yeah, i need to change. my range of motion is severely limited” -you

you guys got to NYC to go confront valentina…at the old avengers HQ

you got a chill down your spine as you arrived

“you good?” -bucky

“yeah, yeah. just a lot of memories here” -you

this was the moment where it clicked for the rest of the team that you were an AVENGER. a real avenger. you were close with natasha. you knew the real steve rogers. you fought alongside thor and the hulk and wanda maximoff. and here you were kicking it with what alexei was calling “the thunderbolts”

“don’t get all misty eyed, we’ve got work to do” -john

lets note that this interaction took place after bucky crashed a commercial sized truck into the lobby, you’d just beaten everyone’s asses, and valentina invited you all upstairs

and there she was at the bar pouring a drink for herself and for just a small moment you saw a glimpse of tony stark standing in front of you again. giving you a smug smirk and asking for your ID before he made you a shirley temple. even after you were of age.

and a darkness overcame you a moment while you stood there. you were in sokovia standing next to pietro maximoff as he laid facedown on the ground. you were perfectly safe, didn’t even notice he was down. you never even realized he was beside you he was so fast. you heard wanda’s screams and you panicked, froze, didn’t know what to do. you were watching yourself go through these motions again.

and then bucky’s hand touched your back and you snapped back to reality, meeting the infamous “bob” for the first time

or as valentina called him, sentry

and immediately you were disturbed, there was something off about his presence

and immediately the team began to attack

you even hit him with a shock as powerful as thor with mjölnir, but he didn’t even flinch

it was futile, he was knocking you guys around like you were nothing

but he had this strange, kind demeanor about him too

once he ripped bucky’s arm off, it was time to GO

you all evacuated the building, a place you once called home, and wandered down the streets of new york. pathetic

and not even five minutes went by before a new form of this guy was literally turning people into VOIDS

“you know, buck, i’m starting to get real tired of shit like this happening in manhattan. this doesn’t happen in brooklyn AT ALL” -you, beginning to attack once again

you were the only thunderbolt with ranged powers—literal thunderbolts, if you will

but that didn’t seem to be doing much

the rest of them were mostly using guns and that also wasn’t working, so this became more of a rescue op

you liked fighting with bucky, it’d only happened three times before this. in germany, wakanda, and the avengers compound

and yelena reminded you so much of natasha, you knew exactly what the next move would be

alexei was…well, he took some inspiration from cap, you could see it you guess.

john walker was difficult. send tweet

he was trying though. you guess.

ava was more of a loner. she kind of reminded you of wanda. you missed her

when you saw yelena vanish, the LAST thing you wanted to do was to do the same

but bucky assured you that you were in it together

he took your hand and you walked into the darkness together

and ended up facing the worst pain of your life

for him: amputation, brainwashing, brutal torture, murder, losing steve

for you: the accident that gave you powers, sokovia, the blip, loneliness, mistakes that cost lives

but you powered through. you got bob. you saved new york. and for you, it wasn’t the first time!

and the moment valentina introduced you as the new avengers, you clenched your teeth and bucky nearly had to hold you back

you agreed to stick together to keep valentina in check, much to sam wilson’s dismay

“oh, hes gonna kill us” -you

“he’s not the only one” -bucky

“oh, my god. clint’s gonna kill me” -you

“eh, barton sees you as one of his kids, i’m sure he’ll give you a stern talking to” -bucky

he did.

you cried.

he gave you a big hug after and apologized for yelling.

and there you were in avengers tower again

just like you were 15 years ago.

“you used to live here, no?” -alexei

“i did. i did a long, long time ago.” -you, about to have a full on meltdown

“that’s great! you can show me around, then. please, show me your old room!” -alexei

he did know how to lift your spirits, for sure

and then there was yelena, who so desperately wanted to feel closer to natasha

“will you tell me a story, please? it would make me feel closer to her” -yelena

ironically, hanging out with yelena made you feel closer to nat

“well, nat trained me a good bit when we joined the avengers. she taught me how to fight, to not depend on my powers, to be a spy, to use weapons. i would be who i am today without her” -you

“yes, that’s great and all, but give me specifics!” -yelena

“okay, she LOVED desperate housewives. she’d make me sit through HOURS of it when we were off-duty. it was a great distraction. when we came back from sokovia and moved into the new compound, she had me on that couch for three days straight” -you

yelena snorted laughing

she also loved to spar with you

in a way, you felt like a sibling to her these days

in the way she was raised, at least

you laughed everytime you noticed a little “oopsie” val overlooked before the full remodel

“oh, my god. i once shocked the microwave while i was half asleep and i shorted out the whole building. this dark mark in the wall is the explosion of the microwave that led to the power outage” -you

“how long did it take to fix?” -ava

“about 10 minutes. tony was thoroughly embarrassed it took him that long” -you

there were also little dents and dings and bullet holes and such, especially it what was formerly the training room and being revamped for an even better one

“the last time i was here was when ultron booted up and sent the whole iron legion in after a party with the avengers. it was actually quite horrific, i thought the avengers were gonna disband right then and there. i thought i was going to be homeless” -you

“jesus, you sure talk about your past a lot” -john

“oh, sorry, would you rather i talk about yours?” -you, semi-threatening

he backed off

you tried to make as many new memories as you could, but everything seemed to remind you of the past

all you knew is the people needed to look up to something and that had to be the new avengers

and to have a former avenger on it? that was good for optics

did it make you feel stuck from time to time? uh yeah, you never really could escape your past

but the congress thing kind of fizzled out

so this was the next best thing

“alexei is calling me, hold on” -you

“y/n! i need directions” -alexei

“okay, where are you?” -you

“twenty third floor. i do not know how you lived in this maze as long as you did! i cannot find anything around here” -alexei

“hang on. you’re lost inside the building?” -you

you’d go to your favorite restaurant in manhattan with bucky sometimes, just to get out of the tower

“so, be honest with me. is this what you want?” -bucky

“i want to feel like i belong. and i do” -you

“because it’s familiar?” -bucky

“basically” -you

you explained that it still was an adjustment. you felt like you were seeing ghosts in a sense

but it was like a do over too

a chance to be the hero you grew up to be, to make steve, tony, natasha, clint, bruce, and thor proud

sam was still a little pissed about it. rightfully so

but making breakfast with bob, training with yelena, drinking with alexei, having heart to hearts with bucky, shit talking with ava, and ignoring john was not the worst thing to happen to you

you heard over exaggerated war stories, had eventful training, shorted out the microwave again, started to give john a chance, found a friend in bob, and more in this new life

and you were always meant to be an avenger, your calling was to protect the world. thats why you guys formed the avengers 15 years ago. so you did it in the name of the family you’d never forget.

taglist: @locke-writes // @captainshazamerica // @summersimmerus // @prettysbliss // @simp-legend // @wild-rose-35 // @nekoannie-chan // @beth-gallagher22 // @sk1bidi-n1k0-e4ts-people // @deanzboyfriend // @mr-mxyzptlk-1940 //

[queerbtsarmy]

i love answering questions about myself idk which part of my mentally ill brain that comes from…filling out the anxiety/depression scale worksheets??

1. Different pictures of Jimin from BTS that I can change with each tap of the screen

2. Maybe cheese?

3. Not really? Just terms of endearment like honey and pumpkin from my grandpa + princess from my titi

4. Listening to Freak by doja as i’m answering this question

5. No, but read plenty of 1d fanfics

6. Yes, but not super active (at all)

7. Just my standard ear lobe piercings for now. Had my belly button pierced (infected), both ear cartilages (lowkey uncomfortable bc covid mask, but want to repierce soon), and the left side of my nose x2 and the right side once

8. Their humanity

9. Chocolate chip. Loved by all and palatable for everyone

10. Cat person downnn! I’ve worked with dogs since 2019 and mama I’m tired

11. Neither tbh because they both suck

12. Boring asf but “yeah” in response to if i just grabbed dinner

13. I honestly have no idea

14. Night owl. The kind that wants places to not close at 9 because I’m also a huge foodie and need to be eating by the hour essentially

15. I was gonna be basic and say my bed, but a really comfortable couch and reclining chair also hits for me

16. Well yes 🤭🫡

17. Introverted, curious, empath (actually)

18. SWEATPANTS you freak?? i choose comfort over everything (my overstimulation tendencies have grown over the years, but a quick fact is when i was younger, i distinctly remember my mom putting me in some army patterned cargo pants and i remember crying and kicking my legs to remove the friction of the pants…mind you i was above the good age of 5-7)

19. Fuck Starbucks (however if someone else is already paying, that overpriced bacon gouda sandwich)

20. Maybe orange actually. And yellow

21. My dog. My immune system. My bts collection worth who knows how much. My grandpa

22. I don’t like either im kind of so sorry. i like tea when i dont know it’s in a drink i like? (example: feng cha has a reallyyy good strawberry overload drinky)

23. Dinosaurs (in theory)

24. Shit probably 10+ years now for sure

25. A book on what’s safe for consumption (or the nick sturniolo option of a pilot to get me tf out of there)

26. Oversized and comfy core

27. To be my own boss and not have to worry about time off requests

28. Unfortunately single as hell

29. A nice pair of oversized sweatpants or joggers with an oversized hockey style jersey

30. Oh. Is that not normal? I know all the lyrics to all of my favorite songs

31. Brown naturally, but black at the moment

32. All the time. I’m my own best friend and best company

33. Not really. I want to get into it though. Just a little natural beat (i don’t have the eye to brow space to pull of eyeshadow)

34. That I look younger than I am i guess

~ 💖 ASK GAME 💖 ~

📷 What’s set as your phone’s lockscreen?

🍫 Cheese or chocolate?

✨ Do you have any nicknames?

🎵 Last song you listened to?

✏️ Have you ever written fanfiction?

😏 Are you on discord?

 💛 Do you have any piercings?

🐰 What do you think says the most about a person?

🍪 If you were a cookie, what kind would you be?

🐶 Are you more of a dog person or a cat person?

🎧 Headphones or earbuds?

🌼 What’s the last thing you said out loud?

🙃 What’s a weird fact that you know?

🦉 Are you a morning person or a night owl?

🧸 Favorite place to nap?

🏳️‍🌈 Are you a member of the LGBTQIA+ community?

🦋 Describe yourself in three words.

👖 Jeans or sweatpants?

🥤 What’s your go-to Starbucks order?

🧡 A color you can’t stand?

💎 What’s your most prized possession?

☕ Coffee or tea?

🦖 Favorite extinct animal?

🌙 How long have you been on tumblr?

🌴 Desert island item?

🐸 Describe your aesthetic.

🔮 What’s your dream job?

💙 Relationship status?

🌿 Describe your favorite outfit.

🎤 Is there a song you know all the lyrics to?

🤎 What color is your hair?

💌 Do you talk to yourself?

💄 Do you wear makeup?

🌸 Best compliment you ever received?

💞 @ your favorite blog.

Reblogs are appreciated!

[enjakey]

HYBE-boy

Pairing: Niki x Solo-idol!Fem!Reader

(5k) Definitely the shittiest thing I’ve written but I needed to get it out of my head. I have a habit of starting fics off strong but loosing interest near the end. Gotta fix that. Anyways, enjoy! Also I just copy paste my tags and I’m way too lazy to change it like tags are so annoying and my spelling errors every time are insane.

Summary: you debuted as a solo idol in HYBE not long ago, quickly rising to fame. And soon, you’d started a variety show where many other idols joined as guests. On one episode, a few members of ENHYPEN join you, including Niki. And that, you suppose, is when everything started.

There were rumours being whispered in the halls of the HYBE building- rumours, these days, amongst all the idol groups that had debuted, became common. The staff assumed it was a way of entertainment. With everyone’s schedules being so busy, not being able to interact between groups and time being lost in either practice or sleep, gossip inevitably became the most interesting thing that idols could giggle about. 

It was like high school, really.

You debuted as a solo-artist in HYBE recently. It was a rare event, almost unheard of. But HYBE had been experimenting lately, with their international groups, various concepts for each group and even starting variety shows on Youtube. And when the other idols heard of your debut, a lot of them poured in support. The support was never direct though, as followed by the many rules and regulations placed by the company and staff. The support came through silent nods while passing each other in the hallways, during interviews when asked about the hot new singer and with the occasional like on an Instagram post.

You were young, really, but you weren’t the youngest debut in history or something. There were a lot more idols more capable than you, with a support system from their group member’s that you didn’t have access to. You were alone as a solo-artist and you had only your management and manager to lean on- always following you like a shadow, pointing cameras at you because they needed content to pump out.

You couldn’t remember the last time you had a break.

A few months into your debut, maybe close to a year, your management pitched an idea for a variety show on Youtube. It wasn’t very complicated- it was simple, cute and allowed you to interact with more people personally and that was something you’d been craving for a while. Every week, an idol or two would be invited as a guest. You would interview them for sometime before diving into the main event- they would pick out your outfit for whatever your next big event would be. And you had to wear it, without fail. And the clothes would come from all the brands that you’d signed brand deals with- it was safe to say that, by then, you'd become quite famous and desired by the industry.

Sometimes, the outfits were perfect, fitting to your tastes and the event. Other times, they were deliberately picked out to be embarrassing- and it wasn’t like these idols meant harm, it was all just fun and games. Some people did it out of love, showing the little friendship you shared and others did it just to get a laugh out of it.

But where had these rumours come from, the ones about Y/N that were being spread for the first time since her debut? She’d heard a bunch of rumours before, that some idol was mad at another idol from another group or that someone had stolen something that wasn’t there. But these were… petty rumours, really. Something people could laugh about because they weren’t even true most of the time.

But this rumor? If it reached the ears of tabloids and netizens? It could lead to scandals and idols being cancelled on the internet. And that wasn’t doing anyone’s career good. 

Every idol has had a dating rumour about them at least once. It was something their management would prepare for- disaster control of some sorts. And your manager had once joked about how it was surprising you’d never gotten a dating scandal yet, already so far into your debut.  It was the fact that you were always so shy and meek, so polite with everyone you met, always within boundaries and keeping your eyes to yourself.

Your manager’s joke would come back to bite everyone in the ass.

It started when ENHYPEN’s Niki, Jay and Sunghoon came onto your variety show. 

You’d filmed it on a rainy Thursday afternoon, squeezed between rehearsals and a sponsorship shoot. The energy had been light. Familiar. You’d run into ENHYPEN plenty of times before- award shows, shared green rooms, occasional company dinners- and though you weren’t close, there was a mutual comfort. Enough for laughs. Enough for easy conversation.

You talked about their recent comeback, their tour schedule, and the way the internet never seemed to stop talking about them. Standard questions, standard reactions. You joked about age, how Jay and Sunghoon were basically old men next to you and Niki. You asked about movies, and the answers were chaotic in the way that only idols with too little sleep and too much media training could be.

And then came the main event: the outfit.

Jay and Sunghoon had been on a mission to ruin you- stylistically, at least. Loud prints, absurd layering, glitter where glitter didn’t belong. All in good fun. The kind of bit that played well on camera and made the editors' jobs easier.

But Niki? He surprised everyone.

“No, no,” Niki said, voice firm but light as Jay waved around the feather blazer and Sunghoon insisted on pairing it with glitter boots. “She has a fansigning. Don’t you think she should feel confident?”

Jay blinked at him. “Since when do you care about confidence? Didn’t you make Jungwon wear socks with sandals once?”

“That was different,” Niki replied. “She’s alone. No group to back her up. She needs to own the room.”

The same Niki known for his pranks and deadpan sarcasm stood there calmly, adjusting hangers and suggesting neutral tones, subtle accessories, respectful silhouettes. It was odd. Not uncomfortable- just… unexpected. The usual culprit of chaos, the youngest prankster, was suddenly... sweet? Respectful? Calm?

No one laughed. Because no one quite knew what to make of it.

The management noticed first. Not just yours, others as well. The ones who stood behind the cameras and barely blinked, the ones who didn’t say much but noticed everything. And they didn’t miss the way Niki had looked at you- not flirtatiously, not overtly. Just… differently, focused, controlled; his tone low and even, his words deliberate.

And then, the whispering began.

It wasn’t malicious, at first. Just hallway noise- the kind that filled the space between rehearsals and late-night meal breaks. Idle speculation that came out of boredom more than belief. But it was enough to shift something. A few too many glances exchanged backstage. A few too many questions buried inside jokes.

The rumour was that maybe the youngest of ENHYPEN had taken a liking to you. That maybe something had sparked. That maybe, quietly, the two of you had started… something.

You hadn’t.

You hadn’t even seen him since the filming ended. There had been no texts, no run-ins. Just silence, like every other guest once the cameras stopped rolling.

But it didn’t matter.

The story had already formed. Not outside, not online- yet. But within, inside the walls of the building, passed between stylists and choreographers, echoed in shared elevators and passed notes. It was a story being crafted where there wasn’t one to begin with.

And if it ever left the building? If someone from the inside decided to push it forward?

It wouldn’t just be a rumor anymore. It would be damage control. For you. For him. For everyone in between.

But for now, it was still just noise. High school gossip in expensive clothing. Quiet enough to ignore. Loud enough to linger.

Nothing really changed.

No one treated you differently. No warnings from management. No tense meetings. No cryptic text from your label. The world kept spinning. You went to work. Filmed another pilot. Ate cafeteria tteokbokki with your team and nodded along in meetings where no one really listened. The rumour, whatever it was, stayed tucked behind other, louder things.

You almost forgot about it.

Almost.

Until you ran into Yuna from ITZY in the hallway one evening, both of you ducking out of practice rooms for water, bowing politely at each other. You’d known her a while- similar schedules, adjacent debut timelines. She was a kid, a familiar, older face.

“Hey Y/N,” she said lightly. “Didn’t know you and Niki were close.”

You blinked. “We’re not.”

“Oh.” She blinked back, all wide eyes and casual curiosity. “Oh, it’s just people were saying... never mind.”

She waved it off, already turning toward the self-checkout, but the question stayed with you like static. You barely remembered what you'd bought. You just kept replaying that moment over and over. Didn’t know you and Niki were close. Like it was a fact. Like you were the last person to hear it.

It didn’t mean anything. Not really.

But then came the elevator.

It was a rainy Monday, and you were late. Wet hair, damp hoodie, earbuds half-falling out as you rushed through the HYBE lobby. You hit the elevator button without thinking, checking your phone, trying to remember if you’d missed any rehearsals.

The doors opened.

Niki was already inside. His hair was damp, likely from practice, skin dewy and flushed. He wore a zip-up jacket with the ENHYPEN logo barely visible on the sleeve and headphones dangling around his neck. He blinked at you once, like even he hadn’t expected this timing. Then he nodded, quiet, and stepped in.

The elevator doors sealed shut.

Silence.

You were both good at this. Being quiet. Being still. The kind of stillness that idols learned to perfect in packed rooms, in interviews where every word was potential headline bait. You focused on the glowing numbers overhead. B3. B2. B1.

He pulled out one earbud. “You’ve been busy.”

You shrugged. “Kind of. You too?”

“Yeah.”

More silence. More air between you than the square footage allowed.

Then, he looked over.

“Did someone say something to you?”

You turned, slowly. “What?”

“About me,” he said. “Or... about us.”

Your stomach dropped, just slightly. “Someone mentioned it.”

He nodded like he already knew. “Yuna?”

You exhaled. “Yeah.”

Another beat. The elevator dinged. Floor 6.

Neither of you moved.

Niki leaned in slightly, hands in his pockets. “It’s weird,” he said, voice low. “People talk like they know things. Like eye contact means something.”

You didn’t respond. Because what could you say?

And then, as the doors opened again, he added, “For the record, I haven’t seen you since that episode because of my schedule. Not because of the rumour.”

You didn’t reply, and he didn’t wait for one. He stepped out and the doors started to close. He stared at you, the way your expression shifted at his words- that maybe you weren’t overthinking this. And you stared back, the way his hair fell over his face, the way his lips stretched into something mischievous, that sparkle in his eyes.

But just before the elevator shut completely, he chuckled again. “And maybe I did want you to notice.”

A week had passed. Rehearsals, fansigns, photoshoots- the usual blur of idol life. Everything was routine. But somewhere in between, your mind kept returning to that brief elevator conversation. The way he looked at you, the way his words hung in the air. You tried to push it aside, but it lingered, like an unfinished song.

Today, you were running late again. A tight schedule, another packed day. As you hurried through the halls of HYBE, eyes on the clock, you found yourself almost at the elevator before you realized- Niki was already inside.

The doors were halfway shut when you spotted him. You paused for just a second.

He looked... different. Not in a big way, but enough to make you notice. His usual headphones were absent, and his hoodie was replaced by a simple black jacket. No flashy logos or branding, just the unbothered, effortless cool he seemed to exude.

He looked up when he heard your footsteps. The second your eyes met, something shifted. It was subtle, but it was there- a shift in the air between you, something unspoken, but not unfamiliar.

You stepped forward, the doors now fully open.

"Running late?" Niki asked, his voice casual, but with a certain warmth you couldn’t quite place.

You nodded. "Yeah, it’s been a long day."

He gave a small, understanding smile. "Yeah, same. Can’t catch a break."

For a moment, there was that comfortable, almost too familiar silence. You stood beside him, both of you staring ahead as the elevator descended. The usual routine, except this time... it felt different.

Then, without warning, Niki glanced over. “You know,” he began, his voice quieter now, “I meant what I said the other day. About noticing you.”

Your heart skipped just a little. He said it so nonchalantly, but it was loaded with a kind of intent that made your breath catch in your throat.

You didn’t know how to respond. So you didn’t. Instead, you met his gaze again, searching for something.

Another moment of silence.

He didn’t seem to mind it, though. Instead, his lips curved slightly, and he leaned back against the elevator wall, giving you a relaxed, almost teasing look.

"You seem like you’re always in a hurry," he said after a beat, his eyes narrowing in thought. "Maybe we should slow down sometime. Talk outside of elevators."

The suggestion was casual, light, but there was an undeniable weight to it.

The elevator doors dinged open to the next floor, but neither of you moved.

Niki took a small step back, clearly ready to leave, but before he could turn, he shot you one last look- something warm, something more than just a glance.

"Think about it," he said, voice a little lower now, a little more sincere.

And then, with a nod, he was gone- his footsteps fading down the hallway, leaving you standing there, the air between you still heavy with something unspoken.

You didn’t expect to see him again so soon.

It was another hectic afternoon, and you were grabbing a quick snack before heading to your next rehearsal. As you walked through the cafeteria, scanning the crowded tables for an empty spot, you saw him. Niki, sitting alone, his usual relaxed air about him. He was playing with his phone, earbuds in, but the second he caught sight of you, his eyes lit up, and he lifted a hand in acknowledgment.

“Hey,” he said, his voice casual, but there was an edge to it- an eagerness you hadn’t expected. “You came.”

You hesitated for just a moment. It wasn’t that you’d forgotten about his suggestion, but something about being here, actually sitting across from him, made it all feel more real. You nodded, making your way over to his table.

You sat down slowly, feeling the weight of the moment, like it was one of those rare, unspoken decisions in life that changed things, even if you couldn’t quite put your finger on it.

“I didn’t think you’d actually show up,” Niki said, grinning. "But I’m glad you did."

You chuckled softly, adjusting your drink in front of you. “I wasn’t sure myself. But you seemed... serious.”

“I am.” His smile softened, and for a moment, he looked more... himself. The mask of idol life was gone, replaced by the guy who liked to play games, listen to music, and maybe- just maybe- wanted to see you more than as just a colleague.

You both took a few moments to settle into a quiet, but comfortable rhythm. The usual banter started up, but it was different this time- less forced. There was a strange kind of honesty in his words that made you wonder if he was starting to let his guard down, too.

“So,” Niki said, breaking the silence between bites of his food, “what’s the real reason you agreed to come sit with me?”

You raised an eyebrow. “You think I need a reason?”

He shrugged, looking like he was trying to figure you out. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just wondering what you’re thinking. You’re not exactly the type to go for small talk.”

You set your cup down, choosing your words carefully. “Maybe I’m just tired of running into you in elevators.”

His eyes twinkled at that. “So you came here to escape the elevators?”

“Maybe,” you replied, your lips curving into a smile. “Or maybe just to see if you’re as good at talking outside of them.”

His expression shifted for a moment, something unreadable crossing his face. Then, he chuckled softly. “I think you’ll find I’m better in person.”

You didn’t know why, but the way he said it felt... different. As if he wasn’t just making a joke, but giving you a glimpse of something beneath the surface.

Before you could reply, the sound of footsteps approached the table. Neither of you looked up immediately, but you both knew who it was. Someone from the team- probably coming to pull you back into the chaos of schedules and rehearsals.

But as they came closer, Niki glanced at you with a small grin, his eyes lingering for just a moment longer than necessary.

"Next time," he said, standing up as the person reached the table, “we can skip the cafeteria. Just you and me. Somewhere quieter.”

You watched him walk away, his words echoing in your head. You hadn’t expected this meeting to be anything more than casual, but now... you weren’t so sure.

A lot of people on the internet loved speculating about the idol life and you liked reading it as entertainment. There were netizens that were convinced that no way some of the most attractive people in the country are single, obviously they’re all dating, we just don’t know it. You laughed at it because, well… you didn’t exactly know the answer to it. And perhaps it was due to your introversion. 

You didn’t know if some of your friends were dating. And even if they were, it was definitely in secret because if the company found out, they were pretty much dead meat. And you yourself had never really experienced it. No one had ever approached you for a date or for any romantic interest.

Well, that is, not until Niki came along.

Nishimura Riki, he told you to call him that- Riki. Because Niki felt too fake, felt too impersonal. Behind closed doors, even his members called him Riki. 

“Is Niki meant to be a persona?” You’d asked him.

“What do you mean?” He asked with puzzled eyes. 

“Niki as in… the fake ass emo kid. And then there’s Riki with all the embarrassing pictures from pre-debut,” you couldn't help but laugh.

Niki rolled his eyes, hanging head low as he tutted. Then he looked at you, kicking your feet from under the table. “I forget how much you know about me… being a host for your own variety show and all.”

“I saw the interview with DOPE CLUB, by the way,” you continued laughing but Niki was annoyed that he couldn’t see your mouth behind the mask you wore. It was just your eyes he had access to. “The strawberry underwear…” you choked on your laughter.

Niki grinned but you probably couldn’t see. He was wearing a mask too. But the glint in his eyes didn’t go unnoticed. “Keeping tabs on me already, huh?”

And you looked to your side, gaze shying away from him.

This was the third time the pair of you met outside of the HYBE building, disguising yourselves in layers of clothes just to sit in a cafe somewhere and talk. And for the most part, you liked it- you liked the pace, the slowness and steadiness of it all. You liked that both of you knew exactly where this was going but chose to take it a day at a time, anyway. He said it was important for him to know you, and that it was important that you got to know him. 

And you did- for the most part, you did. You learnt about his hopes, his dreams, his worries and everything in between. And in his stories, you learnt more about the rest of his members. But a part of you hoped for more- it was a naive, childish wish. You wanted to be able to see his face, his expressions, his teeth when he smiled or the weight in his brows. But you could only see his eyes which were sometimes covered by his hat or his bangs. It was almost frustrating, that during work, all you could offer each other was a nod of acknowledgement and a glint of yearning and when you were alone, you could barely see him.

But you would never admit that to him. You were too scared, too shy and too wary of the predicament of it all.

Niki, on the other hand, was basking in the light of your company. And perhaps people around him noticed it- well, his members did, at least. They saw the way he’d sneak off to restaurants without telling them (which as unusual because he was always pestering one of them to buy him food), and they saw the way he was on his phone more often than usual, and the saw the way his eyes lit up when Sunoo would play one of your songs in the car.

It was obvious, too obvious. And it wasn’t that his Hyungs were against love… it was just that it was too risky.

“You’ve gotta be careful, Riki,” Jay said to him one night over dinner while everyones chopsticks moved awkwardly, hovering over the topic they all wanted to talk about.

“I am being careful,” he grumbled, hanging his head low and rolling his eyes.

“Do you realise what will happen if you get caught?” Jungwon said, voice almost threatening- he was the leader, afterall. It was his job to keep his members in check.

“This is dangerous. You’re so young… young love can be reckless,” Sunghoon chimed in as though he had all the experience on earth about love.

“Are you sure this is worth it?” Jake continued, pointing his chopsticks at him.

“Guys,” Heeseung sighed, clapping his hand over Niki’s back. “Cut him some slack. If you think about it, he’s really lucky he’s even found someone to feel this way over.”

Niki was surprised by the way his oldest Hyung was defending him- but he didn’t react. He simply fell quiet.

“It’s a bit harsh to say love isn’t worth it,” Sunoo said to Jake. “You’re gonna hurt his feelings.”

“It’s better than getting in trouble,” Jake defended.

And as his Hyungs found their way into an argument, Niki couldn’t help the anger and annoyance that bubbled in him. He knew they were just looking out for him and they knew they were only saying all this because they cared about him. And to be honest, if another member was in the same situation as him, Niki would probably tell them to be careful as well. But most of his Hyungs didn’t care much about feelings- it was always about the rules and logic and the best thing to do. 

It seemed criminal to Niki, to look at you like you were a decision to be made over logic

He simply wanted to follow his heart.

“But I really like her,” he whispered and his voice was almost inaudible, easily drowning in the others’ voices. 

But they all heard him. And the table ceased into silence.

It started with a joke.

A joke about how the two of you were basically spies- cloaked and masked, passing coded messages, scheduling rendezvous in tucked-away cafés and back entrances. You’d laughed about it, brushing the idea off like it wasn’t starting to wear on you. The secrecy was necessary, but exhausting. And somehow, the more time you spent with Niki, the more suffocating the masks felt.

So when he said, half-joking, “Let’s get a hotel room next time. Somewhere we can actually breathe,” you’d rolled your eyes and flicked his forehead- but you didn’t say no.

And that’s how you ended up here, hours later, in a dimly lit hotel room in the quiet part of town- no cameras, no curious eyes, no managers on call. Just you, Niki, and the slow humming silence between you.

You stood by the window first, arms crossed loosely over your chest as the city glowed outside. From this far up, it all looked gentle- like the world had quieted just for the two of you.

Behind you, he was taking off his hoodie, shaking out his hair.

You turned when you heard the soft thud of fabric hitting the floor, and for the first time, you saw him- really saw him. No cap tugged low, no mask, no layers of fabric hiding the sharp lines of his jaw or the soft curve of his mouth.

It was Niki. Just Riki.

And he was beautiful in a way that felt almost fragile in the quiet.

He blinked at you, unsure for a second, like maybe he was waiting for your reaction. You swallowed.

“Seeing you like this feels so different,” you said, voice almost a whisper.

He laughed, low and quiet, rubbing the back of his neck. “Do I look disappointing?”

You shook your head, stepping closer. “You look… like you.”

A beat. Then he looked up at you- really looked- and for a long moment, neither of you said anything. You just stared, like this was a kind of discovery. Like you’d uncovered something sacred.

“Your turn,” he said gently.

You hesitated, then peeled off your cap and tugged the mask down from your face. You suddenly felt bare, like being seen would split you open.

But Niki stepped closer.

He didn’t say anything dramatic or poetic. He just said, softly, “Hi.”

And you smiled. “Hi.”

You didn’t remember who leaned in first- maybe it was him, maybe it was you- but soon your foreheads were pressed together, breath mingling between you. There was no urgency, no rush. Just warmth.

His hand found yours.

“You make me nervous,” he murmured.

You looked up at him. “Why?”

He shrugged, thumb brushing your knuckles. “Because… this feels real. And I’m not used to real things lasting.”

You opened your mouth to respond but couldn’t find the right words. So instead, you stepped forward and hugged him.

He held you back like he’d been waiting to do it forever.

It was the kind of embrace that said everything your mouths were too shy to admit. The kind of closeness that made time stall. You could feel his heartbeat against your chest. 

And then he pulled back just enough to look at you again- and he kissed you.

It was soft at first, really gentle. A question more than a declaration. But when you didn’t pull away, his fingers found the side of your face, and he kissed you again- deeper this time.

It wasn’t just physical. It felt like trust.

Your hands moved on their own- sliding up to his shoulders, burying into the fabric of his shirt. He smiled against your mouth and leaned into you like gravity was tugging him forward.

And then you both started laughing. Quiet, breathless laughter against each other’s mouths.

“This is crazy,” you whispered.

“I know.”

“But I don’t want to stop.”

He looked at you like you’d given him permission to breathe.

“Neither do I.”

“We kissed,” Niki shut the door behind him faster than he’d pushed Jay into his room.

“What?” Jay blinked, struggling to comprehend.

“We kissed- like, solid, made out,” Niki breathed and carded his hands through his hair. Suddenly he couldn’t look at his Hyung anymore, a bit embarrassed. His cheeks turned red.

“You kissed?” Jay blinked again, mouth hanging agape. His thin lips curled into surprise, then disbelief, followed by confusion. “What?”

“We booked out a hotel room-”

“You what?”

Niki immediately regretted the way he phrased it, immediately letting his hands fly in front of him in defense. “No, no, it’s not like that-”

“Do you have absolutely any idea how inappropriate this is Nishimura Riki?” Jay started- and his scolding didn’t stop. He pointed his finger at Niki in a warning- he was actually scary this time. “Do you have any idea what will happen if the management finds out? Fuck that, when your parents find out this siw ho you’ve become, booking out hotel rooms for girls, they’re gonna whoop your ass-”

“It’s not like that!” Niki yelled, almost whined. “I’m not taking advantage of her here- I’m being serious, Hyung. I really like this girl.”

At that, Jay closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a ragged breath. “What’s your plan, Niki?”

Niki’s eyes lit up, hope building in his chest. Because, even if it was one Hyung, it meant there was some sort of support he was receiving right? And perhaps Jay could convince the rest of the members to help him out- take pity on him, the youngest, to maybe get the girl and keep her in secret.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “But I’m gonna do everything in my power to make this work.”

“Alright,” Jay sighed again.

Just then, Jake entered the room, unbeknownst to the conversation happening. He was holding a sweater in his hand, one that belonged to Niki. “You left this in my room- oh,” he looked between the two, wide eyed and surprised. “Am I disturbing something?”

Niki shook his head violently. “No-”

“It’s about Y/N, don’t worry,” Jay rolled his eyes. 

Niki groaned.

Jake’s eyes widened further. “What now?”

“They kissed,” Jay said.

“Hyung-”

“And he’s whipped.”

Jake chuckled. “You’re sure about this?” He asked, gaze fixed on Niki. Jake Hyung was usually the funny one, always light hearted but he had his moments where he took charge- made the decisions, weighed the pros and cons.

“Yes,” Niki raised his chin firmly.

“Alright.”

“Guess what?” Niki came running to you in excitement, finally catching sight of you near the cafe you agreed to visit. 

You google at his enthusiasm. “What?”

“I told my members.”

You froze, staring at the boy in front of you- the boy who was towering over you, bending his neck to hear you better, a smile spread behind his mask. “What?”

“I told them,” he said. “About us.”

You blinked. “What… what did they say?”

“A lot,” Niki nodded. “All their MBTI is type T except for Sunoo Hyung. They were all scared and concerned-”

“Very valid.”

“But I want you, Y/N,” he sighed, almost like it was prayer. “I want this- I think… I think this- you and I- it means something bigger.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

[skyguytoast]

BOYFRIEND!HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN 🎀 NON-SEXUAL INTIMATE HEADCANONS

WARNINGS:  none, just cuteness! WORDS:   +800 A/N:  hello dear people, my tiktok is full of Hayden, literally one video after another, not that i'm complaining, quite the opposite, the more the better 🎀 so, i decided to let my imagination run wild with some really cozy and cute headcanons of Hayden being a boyfriend. i hope you like it, comments, likes and reblogs make my day 💕💕My inbox is always open for requests and ideas 💌🧸 DIVIDERS BY @cafekitsune

Boyfriend! Hayden always holds your hand. It's never a question. Whether you’re weaving through a grocery store, walking the dog, or arriving at a premiere, he instinctively reaches for you. His larger hand envelopes yours, thumb gently tracing along your knuckles. To him, it’s more than just affection—it’s a quiet way of saying “you’re with me.” Boyfriend! Hayden makes a point of not smoking near you because he knows it bothers you. If he does step out for one, he walks comically far away—like across the yard or half a block down. You roll your eyes, tug him back by the sleeve. “I’m not made of glass,” you say. He grins, still positioning himself downwind, always putting you first without needing to be asked. Boyfriend! Hayden gets up earlier just to make you coffee—real, fresh, hot coffee. If it’s a stressful day ahead, he swaps it for tea, gently setting it on your nightstand with a quiet, “Try this today. It’s better for your nerves.” You grumble, half-awake, but sip it anyway. He’s already back in the kitchen, packing you a snack, pretending he’s not quietly fussing over you. Boyfriend! Hayden who always buys drinks you like, because he knows you’ll take his anyway. “I got us orange juice,” he says with a subtle smirk, holding out a glass as you eye his like a thief caught red-handed. He always anticipates you—and he kind of loves that you steal from him. Boyfriend! Hayden gives the kind of hugs that reset your nervous system. Full-body, grounding hugs—arms around your waist, chin on your shoulder, slow breath syncing with yours. Whether you’re anxious, excited, or tired, his hugs say “I’ve got you.” Sometimes he kneels beside your chair just to wrap you up, like nothing else matters more. Boyfriend! Hayden lives for quiet days in bed. Blankets, takeout, a half-watched documentary humming in the background. You’ll lie tangled up for hours, limbs draped over each other, swapping theories about the universe one minute, then debating what kind of pasta to make the next. There’s no pressure to be “on.” Just the warmth of being together. Boyfriend! Hayden loves when you link arms with him during walks—especially at the farmers market. His hand rests lightly on yours, fingers curling in as you browse produce, plan lunch, or just stroll aimlessly. In crowded places, it keeps you both grounded—like a quiet anchor in the noise. Boyfriend! Hayden melts when you rest your head on his shoulder, burying your nose into his neck. His instinct is to lean into you, even if his neck ends up sore from the angle. “Worth it,” he mutters with a little smile, every time. Because nothing feels safer than your weight pressed gently into him.

Boyfriend! Hayden has a habit of falling asleep on your chest like it’s his personal pillow. The rhythm of your heartbeat lulls him down like a lullaby. Sometimes his arm drapes over your waist, his breath warm against your collarbone. You stroke his hair, feeling him completely let go in your presence. Boyfriend! Hayden has a habit of playing with your fingers absentmindedly. During car rides, movie nights, even in silence, you’ll feel his thumb brushing along your knuckles or tracing shapes against your palm. It’s subtle, grounding, a gentle little way of staying connected. Boyfriend! Hayden always warms your side of the bed if you’re late getting in. He slides over to your half, pulls the blanket up high, and makes sure it's toasty when you finally crawl in. “Perfect timing,” he’ll say, shuffling back to his side. “It’s preheated.” Boyfriend! Hayden hums while cooking. Not full-on singing, just soft little hums under his breath as he stirs something on the stove. When you walk into the kitchen and wrap your arms around his back, he leans into you without missing a beat, still humming. Boyfriend! Hayden always notices when you’re overstimulated in public. Whether it’s flashing lights, loud noise, or too many people, he’ll gently squeeze your hand and guide you somewhere quieter without making a big deal out of it. His presence is like a calm barrier between you and the chaos. Boyfriend! Hayden keeps one of your hair ties on his wrist. You didn’t ask him to, but he always seems to have it when you need it—whether you're cooking, cleaning, or caught in the wind. “Here,” he says, holding it out like a secret weapon. “Told you I’d remember.” Boyfriend! Hayden always leaves his sweatshirts where you can find them—draped over the couch, folded at the foot of the bed, or tossed casually in your chair. He knows you love stealing them. He wants you to. Seeing you wrapped in his oversized hoodie, sleeves dangling past your hands, makes something soft flicker in his chest. It’s not just about the comfort—it’s the quiet thrill of knowing his scent is clinging to your skin, that you chose his clothes like a second hug. Boyfriend! Hayden kisses your forehead like it’s second nature. Not just when you’re tired or sad—but in the kitchen while you’re cooking, in line at the store, or when you’re laughing so hard you can’t breathe. His lips linger a little longer than necessary, like he’s silently saying, you’re my favorite person. Boyfriend! Hayden writes little notes when he knows you’re having a hard week. Slipped into your bag, stuck on the mirror, tucked into your notebook. Simple things like “You’ve got this,” or “Proud of you.” Once, you found a doodle of small lightsabers crossed and hearts above them. You kept that one in your wallet. Boyfriend! Hayden slow dances with you in the living room at night, even if there’s no music. You’ll be cleaning up dinner or getting ready for bed when he suddenly pulls you close, one hand on your waist, the other lacing through your fingers. “Just for a minute,” he says with a soft smile. You end up swaying for five. Boyfriend! Hayden kisses your hand like it’s the most natural thing in the world. When you’re talking, when you’re reading, even when you’re arguing—he’ll lift your hand and brush his lips against it. It’s old-fashioned, yes, but it melts you every time. It’s the way he does it—gentle, grounding, like he’s reminding himself you’re real. Boyfriend! Hayden calls you “my lovely girl” in that quiet, low voice that always makes your heart skip. He doesn’t overuse it—just drops it in when he’s introducing you, or when he’s looking at you across the room like he still can’t believe you’re his. And the way he says it? Like he means it. Like there’s no one else it could ever be.

TAGLIST: @ihearthayden @anakinstwinklebunny @sometimescharlolette @awhhayden @dessxoxsworld @throughparisallthroughrome

[polaritydisturbed]

Ok no, I have to get it out of my system, Conrad is bad at podcasting. And just recording anything in general.

The sound padding is doing absolutely nothing. Sure, they’ve got it slapped on the walls, but it’s off to the side. Not behind them. Not in front of them. Just... chilling. Which is useless. You want that padding facing the source of the sound so it can catch the waves before they start bouncing all over the place.

Since both Ruby and Conrad are facing forward with the padding off to the side, her voice is bouncing off the wall behind him and hitting his mic again a split second later. That would be making the audio sound muddy and hollow. Having the foam off to the side like that is like putting a bandage next to your cut and wondering why you’re still bleeding.

Right now, the foam is just there for vibes. Bad vibes.

And who told this man to record in a glass box? Glass is terrible for audio. Everything bounces. Nothing gets absorbed. It turns your voice into a pinball machine. You could have a thousand-dollar mic and it would still sound like you’re talking inside a fishbowl. Plus, that room looks like it’s in the middle of an office space? Why, Conrad, you amoeba-brained sycophant, would you record anything there ever?? The background noise alone would be hell on Earth to try to edit out.

Pop filter and foam windscreen (mic cover)??? Both are designed to reduce plosive sounds—like "p" and "b"—by dispersing the air before it hits the microphone diaphragm. While it’s not wrong to use both, it’s redundant unless you're outdoors or in a particularly plosive-heavy environment. Stacking them can even dull the audio a bit.

Your mic doesn’t need two hats. Calm down.

Not an audio note but a soft box light in the shot?? No. Just no. They should be behind the camera, pointing at you. Or at least off to the side, not pointing directly down the middle. And what really gets me? There are windows. Real, working windows with actual sunlight. And what did Conrad do? He covered them with that useless sound padding. So now it’s badly lit and echoey.

He blocked out free, natural light to keep in the bad sound.

"But what if the sun’s there right when he’s trying to record?" some might say. That’s why curtains exist. And the soft box would still be in a bad spot.

Also, his camera audio is peaking like crazy. Even if he's not using the camera mic for the final cut, it’s still useless to record it like this. You know that Xbox early Halo/COD mic sound? That’s what this would sound like.

This happens when the input gain is too high, causing the audio to clip. Basically, the mic can’t handle it and the sound gets distorted. Ideally, you want your audio levels to peak in the yellow zone, around -12 dB to -6 dB. Not constantly slamming into the red at 0 dB. That’s reserved for 13-year-old prepubescents cursing you out for ruining their kill streak. And that’s it.

On top of that, both the left and right channels on the camera audio look identical, meaning the audio’s been merged into a single mono track. Which isn’t wrong for speech, but it kills any sense of space or direction. For dynamic audio, especially in a two-person setup, you don’t want everything crammed into one lane. (OR they’re both just peaking at the same time continuously, even when they’re not talking, which means it’s picking up background noise at a level so loud it’s pushing the mic into clipping.)

And to make things worse, the little "LIVE" tag in the bottom corner implies this is a livestream. But there doesn’t seem to be any livestream software open on his laptop, so I’m assuming there’s either a second offscreen computer handling the stream, or it’s hooked up to broadcast natively.

Either way, unless those mics are also connected to the camera or that other computer, that peaky, crunchy camera audio is what people are actually hearing.

Finally... it really helps if you hit the record button. He’s just playing back audio. I think that’s more of a “show” thing, but still.

(look I got a fancy degree in this stuff and I have to use it somehow)

[chryso-poeia]

The light, alone, will not comfort you or liberate you / the same darkness that you fear: is also in you, expressed differently, to a different degree or suppressed differently. None of us are harmless, none of us are entertainment centers for others, none of us need permission to be who we are. Some of the most powerful people on earth are absolute scum, but they got to where they are because of their belief and readiness to take what is theirs. So, you’re not perfect either, that would make life too boring and people, too stiff, if they always feared mistakes, even though i’ve also had major issues with that too. Only i’m relentless in gaining insight. Confidence like that is about internal permission.

Realness flows. the difference is how principled you are. But similar to said ’scums of the earth’, you get to take what you want for yourself and claim your right to own yourself and your space. You get to forgive and forgive yourself delusionally, until you are only ever freer. This edge can seem dangerous, or even immoral, but it holds the freedom that a lot of people look for. This is your experience. Learn to laugh at it, even when it’s cruel. You are still here, you better use that body, that mind, that heart, that fucking passion. Ignite, fucking ignite!

Even when it would have felt villanous or bad to give yourself the fucking permission to just be, without needing to have opinions on everything, or be a shining beacon of morality or righteousness. Conversely, if you dislike/hate someone or something, own it, your feelings are yours, this is the ownership. Own your shame, own yourself fully, scream it out. And If you’re sensitive, that sensitivity should be directed to yourself, for yourself. Not wasted on those that can’t hold space for you. You are the only one that can carry you and your weight, dear. You know you, like god. Let your nervous system rest, get it out of you though, it’s very important to express and connect to others.

What you attempt to control, controls you. Own the shadow, proclaim it is you. What’s looking back at you says ”I protect who i am, in order to afford being all that i am. I am soft but i am vicious.”

This idea of your part as savior, was not pre-written. But you experience this life, and you cannot deny the profoundity in front of you, so well as protecting your right to live it as you please. If they can’t swallow the delicious playful lightness of your authenticity, you don’t have to be around for when they vomit it up. They can say that you caused it, when they don’t have your agency or understanding. The understanding that says ”I can get the fuck up outta their way if we don’t vibe, without needing to let them know that, because i am confident in me.”

Whether i try to make you not judge me or not, doesn’t matter, you’ll judge me anyway and i can’t control that, especially when i’m not present:’so judge me. Show me your pain by how you fear me, because you don’t understand, love yourself first, not my job. But if i seem merciless, it’s because i needed that mercy. If i am merciful, it’s a byproduct of me having been merciful to myself FIRST.

I’m talking about integration. About holding space for the illusion of contradiction, when really, light feeds darkness and vice versa. Neither one would function without the other. If you can’t hold this contradiction; atleast to some degree: you will be controlled by others and to a greater degree, the world.

And then.. eventually, the narratives can fade and what’s left is the painfully human aspect of how connected we are, how similar we are, what a mess this is and what we can make of it, playfully, how we seek love, how we are afraid and how we can meet each other… as we cry out for help in so many veiled ways, a loving energy can emerge in that meeting. It could be loving. Either way, we’re all adorable as we try to shield ourselves from others that mean us no harm.

Fear is weaponized ignorance and contradiction. Bring presence, bring healing, bring understanding, bring mercy, bring trust. You can dance with it, dance with fear, dance with all of it. It already is an inexplicable cosmic dance, move with it.

The light in the dark.

[fairycosmos]

random thought but it really bothers me that so many people's go to when you're feeling sad is "you have so many people who love and care about you" like especially when they don't know you. no i don't. that's a big reason why i feel as miserable as i do. like why not just say "i care about you"? it's almost worst that they can't just say that directly.

i get the good intentions behind this when ppl say it so i never take it like "the wrong way" but i also fully understand the discomfort felt when you don't rly have that support system nd ppl just ........Randomly assume you do lol? it feels like salt being rubbed into the wound for sure, unintentionally, but still. and i feel like so many of us are isolated and lonely these days, it's really not "out there" to assume someone who is struggling doesn't really have anyone to turn to about it. it's also just like my life means something even if i don't have people and i matter even if i don't have people so the prerequisite to feeling better shouldn't be "sooo many people love and care about you" bc even if that's not objectively true i am still a person and things could still turn around. though i get that the isolation breeds a specific type of pain that isn't often remedied by knowing you have yourself. then again i also know when ppl say that sort of thing they don't mean any of it like that, but as a chronically lonely person i understand u and i get how it hits the ear wrong. my inbox will always be open if you need to talk or vent to someone who has felt very alone probably since age 11!! sening you a massive hug. i know its hard and i know thats an understatement. one day at a time x

[heartsforjh]

okay sooo this is actually a post for Willys birthday, but i feel very sick again so it’s late. so sorry ☹️ nevertheless, hope you love it! 🫶 happy birthday to Willy!

main masterlist | willy masterlist

Willy doesn’t enjoy his birthdays. That’s perfectly clear to you. You’ve been together for almost 2 years now. He’s always expressed that he hates his own birthdays, but you didn’t understand fully until last year when he turned twenty-eight, and he seemed miserable. 

Today, Willy is in a terrible mood. It hurts your heart to see. He doesn’t even want to acknowledge that it’s a special occasion in any way. You’re determined that this birthday is going to be different. That’s why… you planned a surprise party for him! Surely, this’ll give him the excitement he deserves to experience. So, you begin your plan. 

Step One: Get him out of the house somehow. 

“Willy, I don’t feel good,” you whine, trying to make this convincing. 

“Well, get over here,” he frowns, motioning for you to come over. You sit next to him on the couch, and he feels your head. “Yeah, you’re kind of warm. You take any medicine?” 

“I have, but it’s not kicked in yet. It’s bothering me because I still haven’t even finished my errands for today,” you say, really topping it off with a disheartened sigh at the end. 

Willy moves his hand to stroke your cheek. “What are they? I’ll do them for you. Just stay here and get some rest.” 

You smile. You knew he’d take the bait. He’s too sweet not to. 

“It’s only two things, don’t worry,” you start. 

He stops you right there. “I wasn’t worrying. I’ll do whatever you need me to a million times if it’ll help you feel better.” 

You’re caught off guard by the random pledge to take care of you, but of course, it’s welcomed. 

You smile. “That’s very sweet. Thank you, babe. It’s just getting eggs, milk, and bread from the grocery store, and cashing that check from earlier.” 

“That’s easy,” he says, immediately getting up and grabbing his keys. He presses a kiss to the top of your head, and strokes your hair. “You gonna be alright while I’m out?” 

You nod. “Yeah, don’t worry about me. I’m probably just gonna take a nap.” 

“Good. Call me if you need anything. I’ll be right back,” and with that, he’s out the door. 

Step Two: Call for backup. 

You grab your phone and send a quick text to the group chat you’ve made with Willy’s teammates and friends. 

“okay guys you’re good to come over now” 

Admittedly, in any other context, that seems weird. However, you absolutely will not be able to decorate this house on your own. 

Step Three: Prepare. 

You start the process of making the house more festive, and only stop when you let each person in. By the time everyone is at your place, there’s a system going. Everyone is helping with different jobs, and it’s all going by quickly. 

Once everything is done, you thank everyone for helping. Joseph Woll, a teammate of Willy’s, comes to you with a question. “Are we gonna hide and yell ‘surprise’ at him?!” 

“That’s corny,” his other teammate, Aston, chimes in. 

You shoot him a glare. “Hey! I think that’s a great idea, actually. We’ll all hide before he gets here!” 

Joseph smirks over at Auston after he was proved wrong. The next hour and a half consists of you watching William’s location like a hawk. His car finally begins to turn onto the long street to your house and you yell for everybody to hide. 

You run to turn off the lights in the kitchen and living room, before hiding behind the kitchen island where all the little treats you’ve set out are. You can see Mitch and Auston across the way, under the dining room table—somehow both fitting under there. They laugh and whisper to each other the entire time that everyone else’s hearts are beating, waiting for Willy to come in. 

The moment the door starts to click it goes silent. 

Step 4: Party. 

William opens the door and flicks the light switch, calling out. “Babe?” 

“Surprise!” the room erupts with loud voices. 

He flinches, stumbling back with a terrified look on his face until he realizes he’s not being ambushed. His expression changes to a smile. Then, he begins to laugh. If he decided he didn’t really want a party, you’d be satisfied just because of that reaction right there. 

“What are you guys doing?!” he asks, still surprised, and still laughing. 

You smile almost just as big, and wrap him up in a hug. “Surprising you! Thought that would’ve been pretty obvious by now, honey.” 

“Oh, yeah. Very funny,” he jokes back. 

After a bit, everyone starts to get settled. People are chatting, people are chilling, people are eating, and you walk up to Willy when he finishes up talking to one of his buddies. 

“Hi. Do you like the party?” you ask. It’s a simple question, yet his answer means the world to you. You hope you didn’t overstep, or make him uncomfortable in some way. 

Willy takes a deep breath in and exhales, your smile immediately dropping. “I love it. Usually, I don’t like people to make a big deal of it, but this is… I love this. 

It’s your turn to exhale now, letting out a relieved breath you didn’t know you were holding in. “Don’t scare me like that! I’m glad you love it, though. That makes me very happy.” 

“Yeah, you did good. This is actually fun for me,” he says with a big smile, surprised himself. 

You just nod. You could watch him smile and laugh for hours and never get tired of it. “Opinion on birthdays turned around, or do I have to throw some crazy, extravagant parties still?” 

“Definitely changed my opinion,” he chuckles. “My birthdays don’t seem so useless anymore.” 

A grown immediately grows on your face. “Useless? Why would they be useless?” 

“Just not really anything special, I guess,” he shrugs. 

Him saying that breaks your heart. “It’s the day you were born! That’s something that should be celebrated. You get to reflect on how far you’ve come, and… you should be proud of yourself.” 

“Yeah?” he asks, a hint of cockiness in his tone. He seems nonchalant about the whole thing when in reality, he’s touched. He’s never had anyone do something this thoughtful for him before. More times than not, they see he’s not a fan of his own birthday and don’t think twice about it. No ones tried to change that.  You press a kiss to his lips, mirroring his smile. “Yeah.”

tags: @nic0-hischier

join the taglist here! :)

[bitchesgetriches]

Hi Auntie Bitches! I have a question regarding an impasse of ethics and finances, so of course I figured you’d be the experts!

I live in the USA, and absolutely hate the direction things are headed in. I’m inspired by hearing that Canada and a ton of countries in Europe are boycotting absolutely everything American made. This is genius because the only way to hurt the greedy pricks at the top is to hurt their bottom lines.

I really want to join in and buy as few goods that are made in the states as possible. However, I also live here and my household budget is already pretty tight. With this ridiculous trade war going on, imported goods will become even more costly.

I’m stuck between a possibly unlivable budget if fully switching to goods that aren’t made here; or being a tad more financially sound but forced to feed the fascism machine by using American goods.

Please, I’d love some advice on how to navigate this?

Your first priority should be your own survival and well-being. You can't help anyone else nor effect positive systemic change if you are starving and evicted. So use that as your baseline for decisions in this case.

Second, you should strongly consider patronizing smaller local businesses and artisans for your needs. Many of these locals are just as angry about the federal government's economic policies as you are and putting them out of business will be a NET LOSS for all of us. So help keep them alive.

Worried a local business might be MAGA? Good news! The trash is taking itself out! PublicSquare is a website where businesses "who respect traditional American values" (DOG WHISTLE ALERT) can get listed. It's a great way to know which of your local businesses to avoid!

Also, keep in mind that shopping secondhand is one of the most ethical ways to consume in any economy.

Lastly, the most important thing you need to do is to only buy what you NEED right now. This means food, medications, and very little else. Not only is this the most wallet-friendly way to shop, but it's also very much in the spirit of boycotting.

Um brb I think we need to make this into a larger article...

Ethical Consumption: How to Pollute the Planet and Exploit Labor Slightly Less 

How To Protect Yourself Against Project 2025

Did we just help you out? Say thanks by donating to our Patreon!

[book-lore]

And because the Library Goblin in me has been summoned again, I will not only second the great wisdom of the original post, but also add the following:

Can't speak for outside systems to my own, but most libraries only really need a proof of address to get you that card and the access to all the goodies. You can even get the process started without any of that with the promise that they will work with you to get access before you've settled if you've just moved.

Don't have an address? You can still get a card! Again, this is subject to the library in your area, but you can indeed be of no fixed address, between homes or just straight up having a hard time and with no prospect of getting a permanent address and you can still get a library card or at least access to the collection. The library is indeed for everyone and it doesn't matter if you are couch surfing or if you are in a shelter for whatever reason, you too can still come there and use the collection.

And you should because the books are wonderful, and we have a lot of them, but we also have ways for you to access ebooks and audio books. There's Hoopla and Kanopy for your streaming needs and the former even has an insanely large music collection so you can stream a bunch of artists, including brand new albums. For gamers, you can access brand new games and play through them before you commit to buying them. I know that we all love the convenience of things like your streaming service providers but you can find others for free. You don't need a lot of those subscriptions because there is a resource that your tax dollars is already funding ready for you to access.

There are a lot of libraries out there and some can afford to offer more and others less but the more you use those resources, the better the services will get. And you would be shocked at how much you can get through your local library. Yes, even one you might think is small and with a garbage selection. You don't know how much the library can offer you until you go there and the more you use it, the more you value it and the more value it has, the better the argument to fund it. There are libraries out there that have full on Makerspaces where you can learn to sew and rent a machine. There are libraries where you can even take out kitchen materials for baking. There are seed libraries out there where you can get your garden started. This is a third space that people have slept on for years and the possibilities are endless.

I'll cap my ranting off by saying that right now, more than ever, you need to show your library how much you love it and how important a resource it is. There are lots of things you can do but the first and most important thing is getting the card. Having an active library card shows that the community cares and considers the services vital. Libraries have to fight for a lot of the funding that they receive and in recent times, people who would prefer you have nothing have attacked that funding in horrible ways. People who grow complacent when their libraries are under fire like this will end up losing them. And that loss will take decades to recover, if the community can even do it. Starting up a new library takes a lot of money and years to replace everything from books to space to programming. Keep those doors open and show up for the library and they won't be able to take it away from you. Start by getting that card!

YOOOOOO I JUST GOT MY FIRST LIBRARY CARD SINCE LIKE 2007 IT WAS SO EASY???

Like they literally just needed any photo ID with an address, I thought they needed like unopened mail and paperwork and crap, it took 5 goddamn minutes, I did it on my way home from work

And was NOBODY gonna tell me libraries have websites now with ebooks and audiobooks and documentaries and British TV and shit???

Why the FUCK have I been paying Netflix

GO GET A LIBRARY CARD

[lozeyart]

Concept sketches for Nowaki and Hiro-san for my future AU that I'm most likely going to stick with but might play around with it a bit more. (Specifically with Hiro-san, I don't know what it is about this man, but he is hard to pin down when I try to draw him).

Nowaki still charms everyone at the hospital and has found a better work life balance and reeaaally got tired of having his hair in his face all the time and has started cutting it shorter and styling it out of his eyes.

Hiro-san grew his hair out and parts it differently now, though he constantly debates on whether he wants to cut it or not (but Nowaki really likes it, so he keeps it. Again, this is subject to change, I don't know what to do with Hiro-san's hair). Now being older and having been with Nowaki longer, he puts his pride aside sometimes and is able to open up a bit more to Nowaki (telling him when he wants to cuddle, kiss, hang out, go on dates, etc. He's less shy about it, basically). Though, still known to his students as the Demon Kamijou.

I don't picture their relationship being TOO different other than spending much more quality time together and Hiro-san is much nicer to Nowaki. I imagine Hiro-san is also much less timid when asking for affection from Nowaki when he really needs it. More-so, he doesn't actually ask anymore, instead will just initiate affection (Mainly being hugs, kisses, cuddling. He's still shy about asking for sex though lol. He never knows how to word it properly, but they've been together so long at this point that Nowaki just smiles and brings him to the bedroom, he knows exactly what Hiro-san is asking for).

Anyway, this was just a quick thing to get it out of my system! I enjoyed thinking about this, want to do more with it!

[tryandbehappy]

Okay but can we talk about how soft they actually made this “conflict”? Like seriously, they could’ve gone full-on trauma mode: made Nick betray her because he believes in Gilead, because he’s secretly loyal to the system, because he values something higher. They could’ve turned him into a full-on villain

BUT THEY DIDN’T. Because they are important to them as a love story.

What did we actually get? A man who did everything he could for the woman he loves. Who tried and tried and kept trying, and in the end, he was just trapped. Like literally trapped: either he dies or he gives up Mayday. He didn’t want any of that! He didn’t stop loving her! He didn’t choose Gilead! He just couldn’t survive anymore.

Yes, he gave up the plan. Yes, it’s probably going to be hell now for the Handmaids, for Lawrence, for June, for everyone. But he didn’t do it out of malice. He did it because he couldn’t breathe anymore. Because he’s a victim of way too much pressure, way too many INSANE demands. He was already unraveling from how much he loves her. No one asked how he was doing. No one checked if he was okay while he kept putting himself on the line.

This isn’t a character assassination. This isn’t OOC writing. This is heartbreak done right. Because the writers didn’t ruin him. They just showed how close he is to breaking. And it’s real. It’s REALLY human. It makes sense. And I swear, it’s kind. This could’ve gone so much darker, so much messier. But they gave us a conflict that hurts and still protects his heart and character and their LOVE

Justice for Nick Blaine. My soft-eyed teddy bear. He didn’t deserve this. He loved too hard. And he needs to be held, not punished 😭♥️

[nionom-art]

Man every time I see your art as well as other Miraculous AU writers/artists it makes me really want to make my own au. I've got ideas, but i always worry it won't ever be as good as I'd want it to be or too ooc. How do you get past all those concerns? Do you have a support system for things like this?

Well, one thing that weirdly helps me is knowing that no matter how good I do, someone out there is going to dislike my au- and that’s perfectly okay. I mean, even the best books out there have one star reviews on Amazon, after all. We all have different tastes and interests, which is awesome, actually.

The thing is though, there is always someone out there who will LOVE your work- it’s exactly their thing. One thing I’ve learned is that if you like what you create, others will too (if you want to create a story, chances are there are people out there who want to see exactly the thing your writing about in a story as much as you do).

I am a people pleaser unfortunately, so I worry about people’s perception of me all the time. Keeping this in mind helps a lot with that.

The way I personally get past my own concerns about being ooc or not being good enough is by realizing that all I really need to do is try my best. There’s no way my renditions of specific characters will be completely in character all the time. I mean, look at all the most popular fanfics out there- I guarantee a good number of the characters in those fics are ooc. But that’s what’s cool about fanfiction- we all have our different takes on characters- and I think that’s really awesome. Personally, I think it’s fine for characters to be ooc, not only because it shows the author’s creativity and intent, but, well, also cuz it’s inevitable honestly. So, as long as you’re happy with how you wrote the character, don’t worry too much about them being ooc.

Now, if I ever feel like I’m not getting a character, or am unsatisfied with the way I wrote them, I often ask for another opinion (usually from my sister). She thinks very differently from me, which is helpful for writing characters I wouldn’t otherwise get very well (Lila and Adrien- looking at you). She thinks of all sorts of things I never would have thought of on my own (big thanks to her for being my pseudo editor, haha).

So I would say having a small group of irl or online friends to share your work with really helps- even if it’s just one person. They can give helpful feedback and can offer some support too.

Hope something in here helps!

[sometimesoliloquy]

Ultimately the right question is: How is it a crime that Nick isn't a Mayday agent? (In the show because he is in the book) That doesn't make him a guy who doesn't fight because he condones what's going on in Gilead.

Exactly right. How is this the thing that makes Nick a bad guy? At this point June taking several years to realize that Nick's not some sort of revolutionary freedom fighter really seems like her issue, not his. We know he's not. But he's also not an agent for Gilead. He's always been in the middle, playing within the system but using it to protect those he cares about, and enact change where he can, to make things better. He's allowed Gilead to "win this battle" so to speak, but it's so clear it's because he was painted into a corner, not because he wants Gilead to win. He's not on their side. Even without knowing all the facts here, June should know this given their entire history.

No, he's never been a Mayday agent but he's also worked against Gilead's rules, or rather worked within Gilead's rules against Gilead. Working as an Eye to get some of the worst commanders out of the way (self-serving at times but also doing what's right). Doing little things he can, like smuggling the handmaids' letters to Canada. And he's not a Mayday agent but we know he's worked with them (which I still maintain that by Lily's definition in 5x03 means he is Mayday). Probably most explicitly at the start of s2 trying to get June out of Gilead. It's stated that he's working with Mayday here but implied perhaps for the first time, or at least in this capacity (smuggling people out). "I don't know, I've never done this before". But he certainly knew how to get in contact with them, and fast, whether because he had worked in smaller capacity with them before or just knowing from being an Eye, we don't know. 

And here's something that hadn't really occurred to me before recently, on my last rewatch--I really think that Nick would have had to call in a big favor--or be beholden to a fair amount of continued assistance/intel to Mayday--for them to agree to helping June escape in the first place. Especially if he hadn't worked with them before. Because as we learn in another episode, as a rule Mayday generally won't touch handmaids (let along a pregnant handmaid!). They're too valuable to Gilead and therefore too high profile, and too dangerous to get involved with. Do we really think Nick could have just run to them and they'd be like sure ok np, we'll just risk our entire operation to move a pregnant handmaid of a powerful commander without some sort of collateral from him(that we of course never see)?

And I think this is also an important reminder that, while they are fighting the good fight, Mayday also has their own priorities, their own code of what they'll do and what risks they consider too great to jeopardize the larger operation, no matter how good the cause or how vulnerable the people needing help. They don't just help anyone who needs it at any time no matter what. They exercise deliberate caution (well, this current s6 Mayday cell maybe not quite as much!) and they are aware of and willing to accept the unfortunate possibility of collateral damage. Which is exactly the kind of calculation that we've seen Nick operate with, the twist being that his motivations are largely very personal--surviving, protecting June and Holly--where Mayday's are largely strategic--striking against Gilead (and we know he's always been most reckless and ready to risk when it comes to June).

I think we should also not forget here the actions--or at least intentions--of other characters that in essence are not that different from what Nick did: Moira smuggling June on the NGO boat in s4, putting everyone involved in danger and the entire future of the humanitarian operations at risk. For personal reasons, for the one person she just couldn't stand to leave behind again. And June, ready to rashly do pretty much the exact same thing in 6x05 asking Janine to leave with them that night, which likely would have scrapped the whole Mayday plan AND put the rest of the women at Jezebels in danger (the two things she's ostensibly mad at Nick for). Both characters were rightfully scolded for their actions but it was portrayed as understandable, the human need to put those you love first (I won't even get into all June's actions that have put others in danger trying to get to Hannah or make Gilead hurt after Hannah is put out of reach). 

So why is it that Nick seems to be the only one who doesn't get grace for this? The only real difference as I see it is that he operates in Gilead, within a place of relative power. But as we've seen, power is often an illusion in Gilead, where you can gain or lose it in an instant, and there is always another man around the corner ready to put a noose around your neck or a bullet in your brain (or shackle you with a child bride, or a trip to the war front) if you get in their way. Nick knows this all too well, having been on both sides of the equation! But this is the thing that allows people to say what he did is so wrong, is so much worse than the others, because of this illusion of power, and the illusion of choice we also know exists in Gilead. Elizabeth Moss can say "but there's always a choice, isn't there" and yeah sure that's true, but in this case the other choice was likely for Nick to die, or be jailed and sentenced to death, and June stuck in NB with his vindictive father-in-law on the warpath. And how is that the best choice?

I've got to think that June is gonna realize this after she's had time to calm down and process, but emotions have been high and she's a very reactive person, a lasher-outer, so it's likely not going to be pretty in the immediate future. She's going to have to come to a reckoning and I think it's also going to be a good opportunity for her character to do some self-reflection on herself and the selfishness several characters have been calling her out on lately. If they don't go that direction they'll not only be doing Nick dirty but also do a disservice to the larger character development of June.

[linnielemon]

Is this anything (Please tell me you see the vision)

YAP SESSION BELOW THE CUT —>

Saionji is a horrible person and I’m not justifying his actions in any way. But seeing his big innocent eyes and the way him and Touga used to be truly tugged at my heartstrings. I firmly believe he had a good heart, if only the system hadn’t shoved toxic masculinity and the need for male validation down his throat. Even though women are absolutely the most hurt by the patriarchy, it screws men over as well. The system doesn’t help anyone, really.

+ Wakaba annoyed me when I was younger but I’m starting to love her. She was a good friend to Utena and especially mature and perceptive for her age. When she tells Utena that everyone’s normal isn’t her sort of normal and encourages her to duel to get Anthy back, I get a little choked up (as well as when she smiles after Utena slaps her, OH MY GOD). Her Black Rose episode really reminded me that she’s just a teenage girl in love. Saionji wasn’t any good for Wakaba, but Wakaba was good for him. He was callous and cruel for what he did to Wakaba’s letter, but Wakaba let him stay in her dorm anyway. She took care of him, risking being caught, and never asked for anything but his company in return. Saionji was gentler with her than we’ve ever seen him. He was more grateful than we’ve ever seen him. He was more pathetic than we’ve ever seen him. Honestly, he allowed himself to be more vulnerable with Wakaba. Though his heart lay with Anthy, if he hadn’t turned out so toxic and violent and abusive and angry, his soulmate would’ve been Wakaba.

Wakaba is a wonderful girl. Maybe in another universe, Saionji was someone worthy of her. Maybe in another universe, Saionji was a better man.

follow me for more thoughts like this, I’m always crashing out over this niche fandom and even more niche things in the fandom